The Facebook etiquette and standards guide as proposed by Dane Font

The Facebook etiquette and standards guide as proposed by Dane Font


-If you aren’t particularly known for giving meaningful political commentary in real life situations; please refrain from doing so on Facebook as well. Your opinion is still wildly unsolicited.

-If you consider feminism stupid yet declare yourself as a “menist” you might want to look up the word irony in the dictionary.

-Protocol for posting pictures of food on Facebook:
1. Save picture as a PNG or JPEG file.
2. Choose the Facebook upload option.
3. Realize what you’re doing.
4. Call your grandma she misses you.

-Please don’t post any more statuses about how you can’t get a guy or girl because they don’t see your “inner beauty”. Please know that everyone can see your inner beauty.  You’re still incredibly unattractive and that makes sex with you inherently less awesome.

-Posting a selfie of yours with inspirational messages is the Facebook equivalent of a tramp stamp.

-If you do not belong to the LGBT community and are constantly talking about their hardships.   Your opinion is (once again) irrelevant and not adding anything to the greater conversation.  Please leave discriminated minorities to defend themselves.  They make far better points than you do.

-Even though that Facebook personality test you took says you’re: Batman, Khaleesi, Albert Einstein, the creative genius type, the best kind of lover, the perfect fucking human being; you’re not. You just took a Facebook quiz.  Get over it.

-If you have ever used the meme: “Keep calm and ….” You’re a disgrace to meme users everywhere. Keep calm and Listen to Taylor Swift?  Really Sofia? Get your shit together.

-Changing your profile pic to support: Je suis Charlie, Gay Marriage, The Paris Attacks or any other subject is just a shallow attempt to bandwagon cyberactivism.  No one is impressed, especially that cute chick Stacy you wanna hook up with.  She reads newspapers and you read Buzzfeed, loser.

-Talking about how drunk you are stops being cool at 21 and it starts being sad at 27.  Please make the proper adjustments.

-Pizza references are okay under any circumstance.  Yummmm pizza!

-Game of Thrones spoilers on Facebook will be considered acts of treason. (John Snow dies in the end of the last season, but its coo cause I totally think he’s coming back. But not Stannis, that dude is totally fucking dead.) #slapchristianvargaslive

-A person should only be admired on Facebook by the quality of their memes.  Everything else is elementary.

-If you’re incredibly attractive and you post spiritual messages on your pictures, please note that no one likes your picture because of your “enlightening” commentary.  They just want have coitus with you.  Sweet, sweet coitus.

-NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION TO PLAY CANDY CRUSH OR MAFIA WARS GODDAMMIT!

-Making fun of Reggaeton, Ricky Rosselló and Romeo Santos fans is considered fair use.

-In spite of all your posts about how Lebron James is the greatest basketball player of all time, he’s still an arrogant prick who is blissfully unaware of your existence.

-It is perfectly acceptable to not add your family members on Facebook.  It is also acceptable to block them from ever seeing your content.  Fuck you uncle Clark you don’t know me!

-You might want to hide the fact that you’re paying over $150 dollars a month for fraternity/gym membership at Crossfit.  Future employers will know you’re either incredibly bad with finances or will label you as simply “THAT guy/girl”.

-If you’re cheating on your spouse and then post pictures of you “happily together” on Facebook, don’t get mad when hilarity ensues.

-Please use gifs responsibly; they are a privileged, not a right.

-The reports are in, in spite of the fact that Kaitlin Jenner is a brave transgendered woman; she’s still a shitty human being who ran over another person with her car.

-Anything dog related will always be superior to anything cat related.  Cats are mid tier as fuck.  Dogs are master race.

-Its called black lives matter because they are being disproportionately and systematically killed.  Please consider these circumstances before exposing your racism.  All lives matter sounds like the code name for an awesome hippie orgy anyway.

-Please refrain from creating a hashtag on your birthday.  It’s pretty tacky.

-When posting a Residente Calle 13 quote on social media, you might want to do a little Google search first to see where he stole it from.  Primary sources are always the best!

-The more you share a “Netflix and Chill” post, the less likely you are to “Netflix and Chill”.  Stop exposing the greatest thing that has ever happened!  Some of us need an exposing illuminati truths documentary to get in the mood.

-Before blaming something on the “patriarchy”, make sure you’re not in fact a “Do Nothing Bitch” as popularized by mixed martial arts expert Ronda Rousey.

-You are allowed to change sports teams only once every 3 years.  The reasons for this change must be submitted in essay form before the start of the season to your fellow bros.  (15 pages minimum, 10 scholarly sources required in MLA format)

-Vegetarians and Meat eaters must agree to stop making fun of each other for the things they eat.  In the end we are all eating living creatures anyway.

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